Just what I need - an animal eating plant

My front garden is probably the most hostile environment a cat could imagine. It is guarded by a sonic deterrent which emits a cat-ear only screech whenever one of the felines comes close, and the plants in it give off a scent which is supposed to be repulsive to the household pests.

But still they crap in it. Just recently the frequency of deposits has become more regular, suggesting either a deaf cat or one so desperate to use my garden as a toilet that it is prepared to put up with considerable discomfort to do so. To make matters worse something is now shitting in the back garden too.

All is not lost, because explorers in Borneo have found the mother of all pitcher plants on a remote mountain in the Philippines. This plant is so big that rodents could become trapped in its bucket to be disolved into mush by flesh-eating enzymes.

Now with a little TLC and a bit of catfood it shouldn't take much to lure a cat to it. It will probably be more difficult obtaining the specimen in the first place, seeing as they are found only in a remote and uncharted jungle and apparently only about 30 grow there.

The botanists who found the plant had visited the location after being told of the area by a group of missionaries who had got lost while trying to find a spot to put up a radio mast.

They named the new rodent-eating plant Nepenthes attenboroughii, after the great naturalist David Attenborough.

If only he knew the plans I have.